Always be ready
Given this author's near-obsessive tendency to watch anything which might lead to revolution, social disorder, or some other type of apocalyptic happening, it only seems natural that I prepare a guide for some of these eventualities. Here's the first in the series.
Dawn of Doom, or How to deal with the upcoming zombie holocaust.
One of the most likely problems facing society to-day is some kind of Zombie mutation over-taking the general population, creating a terrifying army of the un-dead out of everyday people. With all sorts of chemicals and radiation all over the place, it's only a matter of time before some terrifying combination of the two emerges. When spread by a zombie's bite, this chemical/radioactive mutation instantly reduces the most vigorous specimen of human intellect into a brain-craving Homunculus which spreads terror and follows the scent of fresh blood.
After viewing a highly technical film retailing the habits of Zombies, and how to combat them successfully, I've decided the following measures are in order:
First, though Zombies generally prefer to attack England and the American Southwest, they can attack anywhere. This means that everyone should be prepared for zombie attacks.However, your preparations must fit the laws and customs of your area. Be certain to stay within the law, as you don't want to be in prison when the zombies hit, because you'll probably have to fight your way out alongside Ice-T and Steven Segal, and endure their attempts at snappy dialogue.
In the U.K.
This seems to be a popular target for Zombification. The best weapons to counter zombies (i.e. firearms) are prohibited by law, as is self-defence. In this case, take no preparation, as a Zombie invasion is still preferable to living under a Labour government. After all, zombies don't reproduce, and they don't need council houses to live in or wide-screen TVs to watch whilst they're on welfare, nor do they need an army of shysters to steal your money to pay for these initiatives. In actuality, it's entirely possible that quality of life will improve under a Zombie government. At least the Evil One will be less annoying. If you plan to escape to a nation that's not governed by half-wits, I'd recommend a cricket bat or golf club.
In the E.U.
This change might not be as traumatic as other nations, since Europe is already ruled by an army of blood-sucking creatures, so any change along these lines won't be too hard to get used to. At least the undead version of the Communications Commissioner Margot Wallstrom won't be quite as trite as she is now.
In the United States
Thanks to the Second Amendment, the politicians in the US have yet to deprive us of the best zombie-hunting tools. Here are a few suggestions:
For the gentleman or lady concerned only with short-term defence, I recommend a fine twelve-gauge shotgun. For those on a budget, go with a pump-action- either a representative of the fine Mossberg 500 series or the well-reputed Remington 870. There are a number of aftermarket parts that will add to anti-zombie utility and good looks, such as pistol grips, heat shields, and other aftermarket parts can be found everywhere. One place to look is here.
For those with a bit more cash, I'd recommend an auto-shotgun such as the Remington 1200 or maybe a Benelli for those with plenty of cash. Loads would be 00 buckshot, or perhaps birdshot if you're concerned with penetration and will only be working at short range. You can easily take off limbs with this potent weapon, and use them as clubs when you run out of ammunition. Alternatively, they can serve as a grim warnings which might be placed about your residence to scare away future zombie attacks.
For gentlemen and ladies who wish to go on the offensive, there's always the "Heston" option. A fine semi-automatic rifle allows one to bring the pursuit to the zombies, and is an effective deterrent to other not-so-undead problems such as idiots who take the mufflers off of their dirt-bikes.
For those on a budget, might I suggest the legendary M1 Garand? It's available for $500 from the Civilian Marksmanship Program, which is proof that the Good Lord loves us and wants us to be happy. It's insanely reliable, it doesn't look scary (so it won't scare relatives, children and pets), and it's a little bit of history. Its .30-06 ammunition is cheap to obtain, and has incredible knock-down power.
For those with a bit more cash, there are really two options which depend mostly on personal preference. If one likes the heavy option, that is high knockdown power at the expense of high weight, the logical extension is the M14 model. Since there are no surplus M14s directly for sale to the public, your options are either some cheap Chinese copy, the fine Springfield Armory M1A rifle (for $1299 and up), or the penultimate M14, the Fulton Armory M14 for $1799. Again, the 7.62x51mm NATO round is powerful, and the detachable magazine is an advantage over the Garand.
For those with less taste for kick and heavy weight, there's always the .223 Remington caliber. Options include the Ruger Mini-14, which is an excellent little rifle. For those with extra cash and a desire for flexibility, the AR-15 is the best. There are many manufacturers, though again I'm partial to Fulton Armory. Furthermore, the AR-15 community stands ready for Zombie invasion. They've already published a guide on how to deal with this eventuality. Since the AR-15 is a commonly-used platform and ammunition is cheap and readily available, it's a good choice for zombie combat. In addition, the AR presents the quintessential "evil black rifle" silhouette. Even in their undead state, zombies may still retain a primal fear of such weapons.
For SEALs, other sorts of commandos, or people who have more money than braaaaiiiinss, go with the insanely awesome Fulton Armory Mk. 14, Mod 0 EBR, which is an uprated M14 with all sorts of handy combat capabilities. Another route is the excellent Alexander Arms 6.5 Grendel which is powerful and light. It has another advantage of fitting in standard ARs, requiring only a new upper receiver.
In addition to rifles, you might want assorted survival stuff, such as food. But mostly rifles, and lots of ammo, because food doesn't keep zombies away from the brains they so much desire which happen to be encased in your pretty little head.
Anyone who wishes to contribute to the defence against zombies by making a donation to my 6.5 Grendel fund is more than welcome.
In Singapore
You noticed the difference? Sounds like you'll have to kill yourself, just to be safe. Besides, maybe the zombies might be less uptight than the current administration. Instead of inspecting for chewing gum, they seem to be content in wandering about aimlessly. However, given the paucity of brains in the island, one must "bevare", as even an average brain will look like Albert Einstein to the zombies.
Until next time, remember: firearms make you more manly.
Dawn of Doom, or How to deal with the upcoming zombie holocaust.
One of the most likely problems facing society to-day is some kind of Zombie mutation over-taking the general population, creating a terrifying army of the un-dead out of everyday people. With all sorts of chemicals and radiation all over the place, it's only a matter of time before some terrifying combination of the two emerges. When spread by a zombie's bite, this chemical/radioactive mutation instantly reduces the most vigorous specimen of human intellect into a brain-craving Homunculus which spreads terror and follows the scent of fresh blood.
After viewing a highly technical film retailing the habits of Zombies, and how to combat them successfully, I've decided the following measures are in order:
First, though Zombies generally prefer to attack England and the American Southwest, they can attack anywhere. This means that everyone should be prepared for zombie attacks.However, your preparations must fit the laws and customs of your area. Be certain to stay within the law, as you don't want to be in prison when the zombies hit, because you'll probably have to fight your way out alongside Ice-T and Steven Segal, and endure their attempts at snappy dialogue.
In the U.K.
This seems to be a popular target for Zombification. The best weapons to counter zombies (i.e. firearms) are prohibited by law, as is self-defence. In this case, take no preparation, as a Zombie invasion is still preferable to living under a Labour government. After all, zombies don't reproduce, and they don't need council houses to live in or wide-screen TVs to watch whilst they're on welfare, nor do they need an army of shysters to steal your money to pay for these initiatives. In actuality, it's entirely possible that quality of life will improve under a Zombie government. At least the Evil One will be less annoying. If you plan to escape to a nation that's not governed by half-wits, I'd recommend a cricket bat or golf club.
In the E.U.
This change might not be as traumatic as other nations, since Europe is already ruled by an army of blood-sucking creatures, so any change along these lines won't be too hard to get used to. At least the undead version of the Communications Commissioner Margot Wallstrom won't be quite as trite as she is now.
In the United States
Thanks to the Second Amendment, the politicians in the US have yet to deprive us of the best zombie-hunting tools. Here are a few suggestions:
For the gentleman or lady concerned only with short-term defence, I recommend a fine twelve-gauge shotgun. For those on a budget, go with a pump-action- either a representative of the fine Mossberg 500 series or the well-reputed Remington 870. There are a number of aftermarket parts that will add to anti-zombie utility and good looks, such as pistol grips, heat shields, and other aftermarket parts can be found everywhere. One place to look is here.
For those with a bit more cash, I'd recommend an auto-shotgun such as the Remington 1200 or maybe a Benelli for those with plenty of cash. Loads would be 00 buckshot, or perhaps birdshot if you're concerned with penetration and will only be working at short range. You can easily take off limbs with this potent weapon, and use them as clubs when you run out of ammunition. Alternatively, they can serve as a grim warnings which might be placed about your residence to scare away future zombie attacks.
For gentlemen and ladies who wish to go on the offensive, there's always the "Heston" option. A fine semi-automatic rifle allows one to bring the pursuit to the zombies, and is an effective deterrent to other not-so-undead problems such as idiots who take the mufflers off of their dirt-bikes.
For those on a budget, might I suggest the legendary M1 Garand? It's available for $500 from the Civilian Marksmanship Program, which is proof that the Good Lord loves us and wants us to be happy. It's insanely reliable, it doesn't look scary (so it won't scare relatives, children and pets), and it's a little bit of history. Its .30-06 ammunition is cheap to obtain, and has incredible knock-down power.
For those with a bit more cash, there are really two options which depend mostly on personal preference. If one likes the heavy option, that is high knockdown power at the expense of high weight, the logical extension is the M14 model. Since there are no surplus M14s directly for sale to the public, your options are either some cheap Chinese copy, the fine Springfield Armory M1A rifle (for $1299 and up), or the penultimate M14, the Fulton Armory M14 for $1799. Again, the 7.62x51mm NATO round is powerful, and the detachable magazine is an advantage over the Garand.
For those with less taste for kick and heavy weight, there's always the .223 Remington caliber. Options include the Ruger Mini-14, which is an excellent little rifle. For those with extra cash and a desire for flexibility, the AR-15 is the best. There are many manufacturers, though again I'm partial to Fulton Armory. Furthermore, the AR-15 community stands ready for Zombie invasion. They've already published a guide on how to deal with this eventuality. Since the AR-15 is a commonly-used platform and ammunition is cheap and readily available, it's a good choice for zombie combat. In addition, the AR presents the quintessential "evil black rifle" silhouette. Even in their undead state, zombies may still retain a primal fear of such weapons.
For SEALs, other sorts of commandos, or people who have more money than braaaaiiiinss, go with the insanely awesome Fulton Armory Mk. 14, Mod 0 EBR, which is an uprated M14 with all sorts of handy combat capabilities. Another route is the excellent Alexander Arms 6.5 Grendel which is powerful and light. It has another advantage of fitting in standard ARs, requiring only a new upper receiver.
In addition to rifles, you might want assorted survival stuff, such as food. But mostly rifles, and lots of ammo, because food doesn't keep zombies away from the brains they so much desire which happen to be encased in your pretty little head.
Anyone who wishes to contribute to the defence against zombies by making a donation to my 6.5 Grendel fund is more than welcome.
In Singapore
You noticed the difference? Sounds like you'll have to kill yourself, just to be safe. Besides, maybe the zombies might be less uptight than the current administration. Instead of inspecting for chewing gum, they seem to be content in wandering about aimlessly. However, given the paucity of brains in the island, one must "bevare", as even an average brain will look like Albert Einstein to the zombies.
Until next time, remember: firearms make you more manly.
posted by The Admiral at 7:03 PM
1 Comments:
I give this a 10/10.
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